Im no expert at this but I understand the physical abuse.

Going through years of being hit and then reaching a point where you can fight back, can make one feel powerful. After years of having no voice or power, it can feel good to finally get it. But thats the catch, it creates a visicous circle that will continue through you. Unless you can find the will or proper outlet.

You can take baby steps. Thats what I did. Hitting a pillow. Going for a run. These little distractiond.can help for a short time and you can try testing your patience but dont expect things to change quickly. Take a breath and make the effort. Its all on you for this choice.