I used to think that I would die by my own hand. But after several attempts, I have realized that I am not able to actually kill myself.
When my pain gets really intense, I still think about it and try to figure a way around my own survival instinct. I wish I was dead almost everyday.
Before I figured out that I can't actually do it, I regularly used suicide as a way to have hope, as twisted as that sounds. Everyday, I would comfort myself with the thought that if things got too bad, I could always die. Now I know that I can't do that either.

Even though I know that I can't kill myself, I still use that thought to comfort myself sometimes. But mostly, I just want to die. And then I remember that I can't. And then I get angry because I feel trapped in my pain, trapped in my disease, trapped in this society that allows horrible things to happen.

OK. I guess I have cheered you up now. Sorry. I am just trying to share how I feel. I am working with a therapist and a psychiatrist and several strategies and treatments, but it is a slow process for me.

I do believe I will die soon, but not from suicide. I think I have maybe 2 years left. I am so tired. If I could make a positive difference for someone else, then maybe it would be worth the pain. MAYBE. But as things are now, I am looking forward to going. I just hope and pray it is not by someone else's hand. That the COD be illness or injury, not murder. I do not want to go out because someone else made me.

My whole life has been controlled by someone else, up until the last couple years. I want my death to be "natural" or self-controlled. Not that it matters what I want.

In the book of Revelation (in the Bible) in chapter 9, verse 6 it says that there will come a time: "And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them."

I kinda feel like that time is now, for me anyway.