I'm at home now. I managed to get through work with shaky hands and voice, trying my hardest to not just break down right there. I think the students knew that there was something up with me and bless their hearts, they were so good today. They kept asking me to play games with them, ones that they know I like to play too, and I actually felt relief for a little bit.

With my emotions back down and being back at home, I started thinking over everything. I'm not going to make a slew of excuses for me or him, that would be completely redundant but I feel like I need to get this all off my chest.

Gods know, I'm not perfect. I sometimes am oversensitive about things and I look at the world in a very black and white way. Either it's good or it's bad and I don't really accept things in the grey. I know that I want to control things at times but I have been working on that. Working on accepting the things that I cannot change and the things I cannot control. It's hard for me and I find myself lapsing sometimes. I also suffer from depression as well. To the point where I want to curl up in the corner and just cry my eyes out for hours. I'm not suicidal. I have found ways to manage through it but certain days, it just builds too much and I feel myself falling apart.

As for my fiance. I can see that he goes through fits of depression. His own mother attests to them being very bad since being in the military. I know he hates doing that and wants to leave so badly but with very few options on how to get out. I try to give him his space, especially since he has told me that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. When he gets depressed, he lashes out. The last time he did, he left the house for three hours and came back, collapsed, and cried his eyes out. Begging me to forgive him for the things he had said to me before he had left. Now to avoid it, he will leave before he gets too upset and then return to talk about it.

I try to understand but dammit, I hate being left in the dark. I know it's the part of me that wants to control. I want to know everything. I try to be patient with him, let him have his space so that he can get through his depression, but after this recent finding...I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. On occasion, I do recreational activities like him but I do not want to become dependent on them, so I distance myself.

Since this is our first big dealing, I don't want to just end it. I don't want to just leave because of our first big fight like this, yet I have received numerous messages around that I should just leave now.