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Claritytoo · Sep 20, 2012, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

So this is kind of a spinoff from a thread in the abuse section, as well as the grief section, sorry...

So I'm here now after my appointment with t and really thinking over something he said. I don't remember the exact phrase, and have no clue if I'm spelling it right but he said I "compartmentalize" my mental stresses. I didn't think he was right at first, then I realized I didn't even know what that meant. My guess is he's referring to my blocking feelings?

My grandmother passed away Sunday, I have yet to cry and I was closer to her than any other woman in my life. And it wasn't a pretty passing, while there were good parts to her last few days, it wasn't pretty at all and I was there to see it. But I didn't cry. I went numb to it. Same thing happened 4 years ago when she had her strokes.

When my fiance and I argue, if it hits a certain point I go numb, I block out all negative feelings and start talking in a calm rational, yet emotionless voice.

The abuse I personally remember as a child, even that doesn't/didn't really cause emotional pain. When things get to be too much, more than I feel I can handle, I just put the feelings far away and often never allow myself to feel them. I've done this my whole life. And old t, after telling her about some of my past abuse, said by the way I talked about it, as if I didn't care, she assumed there was a "part" specifically for holding my strong feelings. But this new t is calling it "compartmentalizing". Is there a difference? T thinks the compartmentalizing is from the DID but I don't even know what that means.

Is it ok though to just keep going this way, or is it what doctors strive to do in the "healing process" to stop the "compartmentalizing" or w/e it is? I don't want to feel the pain and kind of would prefer to keep it away

When I was younger I felt like my memories were kept in business style mail slots. When I needed a memory someone would go and get it. I thought everyone's thoughts worked like that. I always understood my thoughts to be compartmentalized. I realize now that a lot of my thoughts and feelings are parts of me. And sometimes these parts have to share the memories so that we know how to respond to someone or a situation. Still my thoughts are compartmentalized, only now I understand they are in my fragmented parts. It is a way of protecting myself from emotional overload. Or that is how I safely like to think about it. I am working with my t on bring everyone together so we think and feel as one. Some of us are stuck with the hurtful memories and others have the fun memories. I want us all to share our life so no one part is stuck in pain. I believe this will come with full integration of my memories and emotions. I want to feel everything good or bad. I want to have peace of mind. It is ok to cry for someone you loved.