Couldn't sleep so I took 50 extra milligrams of Seroquel. That did the trick but I dreamt of an old dear co-worker and friend who was murdered when we were both 30. She was alive again and talking to me. I have had this dream every six months or so since she died and even while I'm dreaming it's lucid and I'm hoping it's true.

Tonight we are going to my favorite restaurant and to see one of my absolute favorite singers of all time, but even that doesn't move me or make me feel happy. I'm just numb and down at the same time. Nothing looks bright. Despair and tears come easily. It wasn't the dream that did it, it's just how I feel and have been feeling.

I don't think any meds or therapy can ever fix this depression and I do both and have tried a lot of different meds and to do it on my own too. At least it makes me feel a little better to write this out and not keep it rattling around in my head.