I cannot seem to escape those who are chasing me. I was raped twice in my life - once by a satanic group and then by the police officers who were supposed to help me. When ever I close my eyes I can smell death and feel their clammy hands all over me. It disgusts me. I have showered so often that my skin is raw - I just can't get rid of the dirty feeling.

The first night it happened I was drugged and it was dark, I can't really remember all their faces, but they were a group of more than 10 men using and abusing me. The things they made me actively do was horrible and I can't seem to forgive myself for caving. Every guy I meet now is a potential satanist/rapist. I fear the world and can't go outside anymore. If it was only sex i might have been able to handle it, but it was so much more... I can't even think it. I've been seeing my T for more than a year and I still can't bring myself to tell him any of it.

I finally got the courage to talk to someone I trusted about it, but it didn't stay there. They found out that I told someone and the next thing I knew I got arrested, and that's when the second incident took place, invloving three police officers. I don't know who to trust anymore. Yesterday I found my cat poisoned with a note attached.

I can't run anymore, I'm so tired of being afraid and always looking over my shoulder. I have no privacy, somehow they follow me when I go out of the house. My world has gone mad and I don't know what to do. There is no one I can trust anymore that can help me. I can't talk to my parents about it for numerous reasons, my partner is the only person I can talk with, but he feels as helpless as I do and it upsets him too much.

When I told him about it he left me for two weeks. He is also struggling to cope with it and I don't want to burden him too much. My t is still away and only returns in september, and I just don't see the point in seeing someone else because it takes so long before you trust someone enough to talk to them.

I don't want these nightmares anymore, but I don't know how to make it stop!