****** Triggering stuff ***** Abuse, sex, injury******


I had this strange dream many years ago and I am just as disturbed by it as I was then. It's odd how you remember some dreams forever. I first had this dream 10 or so years ago. I don't know what prompted it then and am not positive now.

I have disclosed some distressing long held info to my T and H in T's office. I have a feeling that may be part of it. (Not that I'm proud of this but just to add clarity) My H and I have not gotten along for many years. I was ready to leave him 10 years ago were just so unhappy. We are still at one another's throats. But anyway To force myself to stay I knew I would stray and be unfaithful if I were thin and attractive and desirable to a man. But I also knew this was very wrong and I could not handle the temptation alone. So I turned to my best friend. Not alcohol but Mr.Ice Cream and comfort foods. Now being not exactly thin has helped that issue but caused another. I'm not exactly shapely and in tip top health. I explained this to my T and H and it was quite distressing. But anyway back to this strange reoccuring dream.

I was trapped and forced into slavery. The only way out of this bondage was to marry the owner of the slaves. I was put on a ship and constantly abused. The abuse was so great that the other slaves eventually disappeared. I was the only one left doing the job of many. The slave owner was a very harsh MAN. I can remember being afraid for my life and trying to hide from this man. I'd hide in tight spots. The inside of the ship was like a maze but the lighting was poor and the footing was terrible. (I get the similarity of the owner being harsh and me hiding, this is the feeling I get w/ my H at times) Finially I was able to escape. Strangely we had an antique sell on the ship and I made my escape then.

This is all distressing but even worse is I woke up for a few hours in reality. My H left for work, I got a child off to school and a cute little girl got in the bed w/ me and I went back to sleep w/ a little one snuggled up against me.

I had the dream again. I was constantly on that ship running up an down wooden sloped ally ways. This same man was after me and my/our daughter. He caught us at one time and gave her lunch and threatened to grind her fingers off in a meat grinder if she didn't eat all her food. We watched as this was happening to other children. ( My daughter really is a picky eater and this is a battle we have often, "She better eat all her supper" says her daddy. I disagree. A child will eat what they need and stop when they are full. ) Anyway she picked at it until she ate everything. I was afraid and had to protect myself from this man but I had the added weight and awkwardness of dragging her around w/ me as I tryed to run up the maze of alleyways. Finially he caught me and let my daughter go. But he wanted to have his way with me and for my saftey I let him. (this is often the case in reality, we are not intimate because I don't want to be but it's been a learned behavior that it is just easier not to argue about that and participate. So it's not a horrible mean act just not a welcome act. I was raped repeatedly in the past by an old boyfriend. Back to the dream. This owner was going to provide a romantic setting for me. He pushed the bed to the ledge in the upstairs of the ship so we would be overlooking the lower deck of the ship. While he was waiting for me to freshin up I returned and shoved the bed off the edge of the ledge and he fell, bed and all to his death. But the dream doesn't end there.......... My dreams reoccur and often create an extension of that dream. So this new part was not ending w/ his death but w/ him having faithful followers and they were trying to get my daughter and we were both trying to escape them. I was on that ship again just when I thought it was all over with because he was gone.

This was a very distressing dream. I am glad I can see the relation to some of this to my current situation and I just realized that upon writing that out here. But any suggestions as to what some of the other parts could mean. I also do not know if this is something to tell my T about to help her gain insight to my situation or would this make me appear even more strange and out of place then I already do.