Strange session today. disjointed really, but then that's good for my therapy, helps to experience it right there

I was talking about how thoughts of just disappearing from therapy has been playing on my mind of late. T asked why? I said I'm not sure exactly, something about it making me feel powerful, better even, as in, if I don't go to therapy then I'm better. T said "haven't you got that round the wrong way? Shouldn't it be - I'm better now so therapy is over, not therapy is over because that means I'm better.

I began to tell her how midway through my yrs in therapy I did feel better, but I feel I lost that. T said change can be scary, but I said I don't think it's because of that, I don't know what it is

Then silence and suddenly began to see my mother fragmented into a million little hers in all her worse ways in my head. I turned to T and told her that and said - normally I am those things, I do those things. But this feels better, like this I feel have control over this even though I can see and hear them all in my head. T said thats actually is getting better right there. She said getting better isn't about getting rid of those screams and sights, it's about being aware of what's going instead of projecting it all out Ingo the world and experiencing them coming at you from outside & as you said, becoming them also.

I knew exactly what she was saying because it was happening right there so I was nodding yes in a real genuine understanding.

I knew in that moment why I had gone backwards, could understand it for myself, I've been trying to be better without understandingvwhat that meant. I'd been trying to shut those images and voices out, put my foot on them instead of allowing them to be there. It all made sense. I felt quite excited at this. I felt like shouting out loud, yes!, yes!, yes!,. I new exactly what she meant, and I could see as clear as day my own internal processes.

Then I begun to loose the mess in my head, T said yes, it will Come and go, but you will be able to get it back and be able to contain it for longer periods.

YES!