I was really upset the day before today in my Pdoc's office about being terminated, of course. I flooded her office. So I decided to call my new therapist today, right?

So, when I called his office number the first time, he called me back a few days later. He gave me a different number and told me that it was easier to reach him there. So, I put that number in my phone.

I called him this morning but didn't leave a message. He called back, and I told him who I was, and that I didn't know his contact policy, and he said, "This phone is not to be used except for emergency situations." I said, "Okay, I had no idea, thanks for telling me." (stunned) He said, "Did I give you this number?" I said, "Yes, when you first called me." I said, "Sorry, I'm fine now." He said, "Well now that I have you on the phone, what's going on?" I told him I was really upset about the termination, blah blah. He asked me if I was afraid of him leaving. I said no, I'm afraid of myself breaking down. He said, Well, I don't know you but so far I don't have any concerns about you so we can continue working together."

I just started flooding the place again with tears. I crossed a boundary and it wasn't even my fault. I am not going back to him. I don't think I can trust anyone. I don't know if anyone might think this is not a big deal, but I'm in crisis and it is a big deal to me. I shut down as soon as he told me no one could call his number except in emergencies, because again I had crossed a boundary that I had no idea was there. He's human, I get it, it's me. It is me.

I called my Pdoc, I am in such a crisis it isn't even funny. I hope she calls back. I want my old T back. How much longer do I have to pay for what I did? This will never abate and the one person who I trusted