I hope I'm posting this in the right place.

I have always felt so numb. I have never really experienced most emotions, at least as far as I can tell. I get angry and then go from that to depression to anxious but I don't know what it's like to be happy, excited, to love someone. I mean, I say it all the time but it never feels different to me than everything else does. In fact, usually the people I say it to, I completely hate. I have these friends that I despise, everything about me is anger.

Lately, that's all that gets my heart beating. Being angry or violent. Though I really don't think I would ever hurt someone. I consider myself to be a good person on a basic level but somehow that's coupled with this completely different 'me.' I mean, I have always been raised to respect women, to be kind to others, treat them as others would want to be treated and somehow that's still a part of me too. But then there's this misanthropic state of mind I can't seem to escape. It's like I know what I'm supposed to believe and I play the part but I'm so angry and violent and love to think about doing things but really don't think I ever would.

It's just, we live in a world where the evil and manipulative are actually admired for being evil and manipulative. Then, there's the good people who get walked all over and I'm tired of it. I don't know who the 'real' me is, since both of these halves are so completely opposite. But I'm growing to love this 'evil' side of me even more than the nice one.