I trust the ppl on here to try to be understanding.

I had another bad night last night.

First, I was at my NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support group and some guys there got up to get their coffee while I was talking. Also, I seem to notice when ppl are bored when I share at groups. I notice this because sometimes (often, even), when others share, the room is quiet and no one is twiddling their thumbs or making a "standing ovation" for cofffee LOL But when I share, they do.

That feels so disrespectful.

Also, I finally got up my courage to share that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder (I did not share bpd, just "personality disorder"). I also shared my usual speil: "I alone am responsible for my own mental illness, not the doctors, etc.'.

I did share within the time limit. They use a timer.

When I was finished, the leader goes, "Are you done, Billi?" in a very impatient sounding voice. Then after group ended, I needed to talk to the co leader about the other members' behavior. She was very cold to me and usually she's not. I did not know if having a "personality disorder" turned her off. And when Betty asked me if I was done in that impatient voice, that turned *me* off.

So, I had to try and keep the defensiveness out of my voice when I replied, "Yes, Betty. I am done." But why would she ask if I was done, when I was passing the timer on to the next person?! Didn't she know I was done?

Then, Bruce was supposed to meet me at the grocery store and he didn't.

Usually I understand his chronic fatigue and depression.

But the store was in a bad neighborhood and I had to walk home in the dark! G*D I was fit to be tied. that bugger left me hanging out to dry. I prayed no one would mug me or r*p* me.

Also, he's been very grumpy around me lately.

He has very poor communication skills, worse than my own fledgeling skills. In fact, when something is bothering him that I have been doing, I have to guess and usually drag it out of him so he won't keep seeping his resentment out on me. One of the things he does to me (and the other friends he complains about to me) is he does not follow thru on something he promises he will do. He rebels and acts passiver aggressive and hides in his living room in front of the tv and goes to sleep. Then he blames me or his friends. For "stressing him out". Or he will tack it on to his depression.

I am trying to be patient with him, patient with NAMI group, but I found out again, last night, that I can't lean on anyone again.

At least right now.

Maybe I will meet some ppl yet that I can feel safe around who will not act snide toward me. Or act out their mental illness on me.

It still hurts.

I am human.

I can still feel it!

It still depresses me when I am reminded of how vulnerable I still am and how unreliable and hurtful others can be.

I am grateful to Ani, my mentor, who, as usual, did not act like i was a leper last night.

I am also grateful for this group here.

And for Andy, even, who has been there for me, talking to me like a friend, even after we broke up.

But it still hurts.

Billi