I am now really getting the picture that my OCD is tied to my xT. T is my compulsion, what my obsession is, I don't know. I get stressed and my emotions go haywire, and my xT is the only one with powers to help at the moment. When he called me back today, I finally got relief from my compulsion, well, which is I guess wanting him to give me reassurance? Maybe? Wanting to connect with the person I trust? I'm not totally sure on the specifics.

When my xT called, it was more than a good therapy feeling, it was more like a hit of dopamine and endorphins at the same time. The 'high' lasted until about 3:00, and he called me maybe around 1:00 or so? Wow. Only two hours? So, I think this is the stage when I get really upset about being hurt, when I get really angry, when I experience psychosis. This is the compulsion building. Usually, people with OCD have their hit under their control. Mine isn't, and I have to tell you that I'm really being mindful now and my brain feels like it is going to explode. BUT, the high is just lost now, I don't feel compelled to contact him. However, what I notice myself doing is reviewing the conversation, pulling up word associations, when he said ___, did he mean ____? And then I start to get more anxious and depressed and angry. I really felt like things were going to be okay after he called, and I didn't feel like I needed to see him, or talk to him again anytime soon. Now, I have no feeling memory of feeling good, I feel more anxious and suspect it is the compulsion beginning again. The problem is, before, this morning, yesterday, the compulsion had become way more than I could bear. I felt like I wish I wasn't alive. I didn't understand fully how intense this had gotten but I can now see. I can understand that my moods have been the result of my obsessive thoughts about if I was to blame, about if I was the problem, and that I needed him to reassure me, which means give me a hit of dopamine/endorphins. It is a cycle. I feel bad for the poor guy, look what he has had to deal with. This exposure exercise is painful, especially when I didn't see it for what it was. I absolutely needed my xT to call today, and while I get that it makes getting better longer, I have to make it to that point.
I could tell that my Pdoc was playing Freud when she spoke to me. It's like she is putting forth every effort not to reinforce me, and T's was utilizing the flooding technique. It worked - I flooded my Pdoc's floor with tears. I could tell that my xT cared on the phone, although doubt is creeping in now. Maybe he said this because that. I am a little more at peace understanding why they are doing what they are doing, that it isn't a rejection of me. But it is an awful thing, because how do you stop it? Won't it transfer to someone else? I honestly feel like such a heel, such an ***. I destroy the people who care about me and that is never what I wanted to do. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't have this, but even more I wish this didn't hurt others, but it has.