Thank you both! I have had a nice walk. This unpleasant sensation of squeezed heart bothers me less now.

While walking, I was thinking that my friend Joe who said that bipolar is a HARDWARE (not software) defect of the brain was right. Cocoabeans who said that her brain is such a faulty product was right. I mean, sleep is a primary function. It is necessary for survival. Why does my brain fail me? My stomach, intestines, kidneys and bladder do not fail me. They work perfectly every day. Without drugs. Every time I wanted to get pregnant, I got pregnant immediately. That function did not fail me. I did not need fertility treatments. The myriad of complex functions necessary to grow a baby and push it out did not fail me. The lactation function did not fail me: I spent 8 years of my life breastfeeding. I produced exactly the amount of milk my children needed. Somehow bodily functions do not fail me, but my brain does: I cannot sleep without drugs.

For some reason I find this thought terrifying - I CANNOT SLEEP WITHOUT DRUGS. How would I have survived before drugs were invented? Did people in the past self-medicate to sleep with alcohol? I do not even particularly like alcohol - it's been months since I had a drink and I do not miss anything. I CANNOT SLEEP WITHOUT DRUGS. Isn't it frightening? For some reason, I am comfortable with the notion of needing a drug (namely, Lithium) to control my spending. It is no big deal. I am glad I have found this drug and I am thankful that it works like a clock, unlike those sleep aids that become ineffective over time! But the thought of needing drugs for the primary function of sleep!

And what will happen when I run out of sleep aids? When everything fails me? What will I do?