sorry I haven't caught up with you recently, and sorry to hear things aren't going so great. It is sooo hard finding a way to 'return to reality' when you don't even really know where you are right at that moment, or which way to turn. I get 'told off' in a light way by my nurse if I don't ring the team down here at those times- she just doesn't want me hurting myself- but it is really hard. Have you considered asking the doc about anti-anxiety meds that you could take only if you get the thoughts about SI- that way you wouldn't be on regular meds but would have a back-up if things got to this stage again? One that I am on can really help numb those thoughts and I am on a really low dose. Oh, and have you heard about SA? TC