So I have been doing really well with recovery, but because of my inability to focus (I was recently diagnosed with ADD and will be getting help in the form of medication in two weeks), I had a total emotional breakdown today. I couldn't get my assignments done and I always get everything done, even though I end up having to force myself to get a big chunk done close to the deadline since my focus is TERRIBLE every other time I attempt to be productive.

Anyway, I have been having intense urges and overwhelming thoughts of SI again. I am an emotional person but I rarely cry. Today, I was sobbing for over an hour straight, shaking, rocking back and forth, and eventually I started digging into my skin with my fingernails (which did get me to stop crying and become numb). I didn't cut myself (it's been almost 11 months), but I felt so anxious, depressed, disappointed, upset at myself, and out-of-control. I haven't felt this overwhelmingly terrible in a long while and I just am disgusted with myself. For not being able to focus. For not being able to be a better student. For not being able to control my conditions. For wanting to hurt myself as an instant response to anything going wrong.

I talked to my therapist and told her everything as it was happening, and she was SO helpful and guided me through everything. I am just struggling to forgive myself and I'm so disgusted now that I couldn't fulfill some of my responsibilities that the cutting urges are stabbing at my thoughts. I started crying again but I am mostly hurt + angry at myself.

I just needed to get it out. I felt like I had made so much progress but today felt like I was having a mental breakdown all over again. Thanks for listening.