I began cutting when I was 13. It started as a suicide attempt that I was too scared to carry out. Then, I realized that I felt some relief just by what I had done. Since then around 10 years) It's been an endless battle. However shortly after my 22nd birthday I decided that enough was enough and quit. I still thought about it every day and had several close calls, but I abstained. Then, back in April of this year (just a few weeks over a year since the last time I cut) I began experiencing horrible flashbacks from some hard experiences in my childhood. Once again I found myself completely hopeless and once again turned to cutting. Now, here I am 5 months later and I cut every day. Even if It's been a good day, I still find a reason or excuse to cut. Only two people know of this struggle and I don't think they know how bad it is. They've been my support system through finally opening up about the situations from my childhood.. I know they love me and would do anything for me to stop. I just don't know how.

I don't know how to deal with what has happened to me in the right way. I don't know how to quit cutting and not want to just die. It's my fix... the only therapy I've ever known. But it controls me. I've tried to stop recently and found myself back in that place where I honestly just wanted to die..and tried but failed. I'm glad I did...but I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I don't want my past to control me anymore. I don't want it to be what defines me as a person. I just.. don't know how to live any other way.

*sigh*