(((((((((((((((bluebythewater))))))))))))))))) I so understand that it seems like it is the only way to cope with everything you are going through. It can be so alluring as it seems to help. On the short term. Have you considered getting some help for all of your issues? Maybe a t? Sometimes things are so overwhelming that we need some help sorting through things. Please be safe. Please feel free to IM me should you want someone to talk to. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. gentle hugs