rainbow, i think that it may not be about NEEDS at all but LOSS, again the loss of your mom. it may be the reason you can't figure out what the childhood unmet needs are is because this is not really about unmet childhood needs but an adult loss. it's true your mom fostered a very dependent relationship with you, so in some ways you were left emotionally in a younger place even as an adult. then, when your mom died you were not really equipped emotionally to handle her loss. losing a close parent is always going to be difficult but especially so when one is overly dependent on them.

you have mentioned manytimes your anxiety about your T's skinny weight, that she might get sick & your appointments get cancelled, your anxiety when your T or loved ones travel, your fear of airplanes, etc. i believe these are all a fear of the death of loved ones and again connected to the fear of facing your mom's death.

i think it's even possible the reason you can't cry when with your T is not because of shame but because when you are with your T is when you are comforted. it is the LOSS or absence of T that is what is upsetting to you. therefore, you cry in the car or at home when not with her. this is again about the LOSS of your mom and your T is a substitute for your mom as you told us once when you said "if i never quit T it is like my mom never died". it is the ABSENCE of T that is upsetting not her presence. that is why your tears flow in her absence...because you haven't been able to fully grieve the loss of your mom.

rainbow, please allow yourself to fully grieve the loss of your mom. you will be okay.