as soon as i went to bed last night, it started again. and, maven, i do fear the attacks.....fiercely fear them......then i had a nightmare during the night, about the ex again, and couldn't go back to sleep. heart pounding, thoughts of having to see him, thoughts racing.....no one to call......wouldn't wake anyone up.....the caregiver stuff that i struggle with......finally drifted off and wham,,,,,,,came out of the sleep with heart racing and shallow breaths.

sky and others, i know that i've been to hell and back lately. and i'm so stubborn that i want to defeat this stuff on my own. posting about it is helping because you all "get it" and your responses help me. i've found that sitting down with a dog and stroking the dog really helps. same thing with one of my cats. i used to do that in NM with JJ at night. i could put myself to sleep by petting him......(not a man.....silly......a dog )

i also must not read any more medical novels (bill) or go research any more on his disease. i have to stop that right now. i know enough about medical that i understand those lengthy and wordy articles and i don't even want to think about how this is going to play out....and play out, it will.....

if i had not started this thread...don't know what i would do. thanks tons for holding my hand this week....and it may need to be held a bit more........xoxoxo pat