Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
T would be like a sister to me. I never had a sister. Or a very close friend. She would let me come to her house and see her artwork. I would meet her H and her kids. They wouldn't be "off limits" to me.
She would hold my hand for as long as I want. It would turn into a romantic relationship. No, that sounds icky to me. I think mother/sister/friend is more what I'm looking for, unless she turned into a man. She would confide in me too. I'd learn what her problems were. I want it to be reciprocal. I want that from other people but that doesn't mean I don't want it from her specifically.
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But do you think that would really be enough? If you were allowed into T's life as a close friend, you did artwork together and she met your grandchildren, then the end of the day would come and she would say "Rainbow, it's time for you to go home now. It's late and my husband and I are going to go to bed." Would you feel happy that you had a great day and look forward to going home to your own H? Or would you feel jealous that you were being asked to leave and T's H was the one who got to stay? I suspect it would be probably be the latter. It sounds as though you always want to be knocking down that bedroom door and jumping in between T and her H. From your history of posts, the "in love" and romantic feelings for your T seem to be a big part of your pattern and a big source of upset. The fact that you have these desires-- and then call them "icky"-- sounds like internal homophobia. It also sounds like denial or a defense mechanism-- the fact that you bring up those desires and then degrade them. (If they weren't there, you wouldn't bring them up at all). How would it feel to you if someone suggested you were bisexual? If that is the case, could you accept that part of yourself? Do you think the reason the "in love" feelings come up with all of your Ts is, in part, because you do have some desire bisexual desires that you have never acknowledged or explored? And in T, because it can never actually happen-- and you can write it off as transference or as "teenager" wants-- it makes it safter to feel? LIkely, the source of your pattern comes from many different places (not just one). And I think, as others have suggested, the loss of your mom might make a lot of sense (and probably a lot more sense than you never having had needs met that you say WERE met by your mom!). Did your pattern with Ts start before or after the loss of your mom? Before or after your relationship with your T stopped being satisfying? How old were you when your pattern started? Your pattern with your Ts may be a way of compensating for several different things you are missing as an adult, not as a child.