I have so much pain I have lost 5 people in 5 years 2005 was the first year with out anyone dying but I am still waiting for the nightmare again becuase it don't feel like it will ever stop. I first lost my brother in 2000 he drowned I wasn't there when it happened I was a normal teen we didn't find his body for 50 days so that made everything worse for me. I then lost my grandma (who was like my second mom) in 2001 we alll say from a broken heart of losing my brother. and then my grandpa (who was a father in every sense) in 2002 he was just a wonderful guy who had unconditional love for me. and then I lost my uncle in 2003 and then I lost my mom in 2004 which was a real tramatic experience for me I have alot of issues from that. I always felt that part of my heart went with everyone who died and now I don't feel like I have a heart left just pain there. the last couple of nights I just cry and cry and just can't stop it hurts so bad I miss them all so much I wasn't the best person to be around right before they died I was going through depression and trying to deal with everything that has happened to me that family wasn't the most important thing to me then and now it has all hit me and I am living with alot of regret in my life that makes everything worse. I have this big guilt that I killed my mom and so I don't deserve to morn the death of her. its just all messed up and I don't know how to fix it and move on in my life my brother has been gone now for 6 years and it is still hard. I fell if I forget them then it means I don't love them and I can't do that because I love them more then life its self. sorry this is so long but I had to get it all out.