With so many members here feeling bad, I hate to start a new thread, but I went and tumbled down a hole and have been down here in this bad place for over 4 days.

I am just crying and my back is sore. That is partly due to me doing nothing for these past few days.

I was doing good for quite awhile. I can't stay long on the computer due to my back and neck. If not for that, I could stay and read other member's posts and try to make helpful responses and help myself, too, by doing that. But lately, I don't read a lot on PC because sitting at the desk sets off muscle spasms.

The pain med I take for my neck and back seems to make me feel better mentally. But I don't take it often because it's a narcotic and I don't want to get into a bad habit.

I think my main problem is Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it, even though I come right out and tell the pdocs that it is my main problem. Maybe what I have is just Avoidant Trait, not the full-blown disorder. This goes back to as early as I can remember. It made childhood painful.

I would tell my parents and teachers that something was wrong with me. They would just tell me that I would be fine. In so many ways I did seem just fine. Everyone was predicting all kinds of success for me. Well, they were sure wrong.

So I have no one to do anything with. Oh, I have attracted people. Always, however, they have not truly been capable of real friendship that would be good for me. They have been people with whom I don't share important values. Monday, I helped my neighbor out with something. In the midst of me being there and helping her, she had critical things to say to me. That's what I attract - people who, themselves, are isolated and prone to bad attitudes. I don't want these kind of people glomming on to me. I was accepting that because I thought - "Well, anybody is better than nobody." But that's not true. I should select who I want to be friends with.

Like I had this "acquaitnance" that I did a lot of things with. She would speak of me as her friend, but I had reservations. Mainly, it seemed like she saw me as someone who could meet needs she had . . . like drive her places because she had no car. After years of us being involved, she called up asking for a ride and then hung up the phone when I declined to go pick her up. For months, she never called again . . . and I was glad. Now she is back calling. I've been kind of friendly (on the phone,) but I don't think I really want to renew that relationship.

I guess I don't believe that really nice people would want to be bothered with me. In a way, though, I know that's not true. When I was working as a nurse, so many patients and their families would tell me how much regard they had for me. It seemed like I could win over just about anybody. Well, I could win over the people I cared for, but I kept getting into trouble with my employers by arguing about things that I thought were not right. That was immature of me. I know now that you have to accept how the world works.

I am isolated, now. I just got my first SSDI check. The roof over my head is secure, which relieves a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, it is that much easier for me to withdraw from life.

Where I get my mental health care is not a good place. They have a support group I could attend. Maybe I should. Somehow, I don't have a good feeling about it.

I do have to do something . . . volunteer . . . join a book club . . . get a part time job . . . something. I know I have to do something like that. But I am afraid and discouraged that anything will be worth going out of the house for. I know that sounds like defeatist thinking. It comes from a history of hurtful rejections, combined with being exploited by some who I have let into my life.

One pdoc, years ago, diagnosed me with Atypical Depression. I think that was the best guess any pdoc ever made. It is actually the most common form of depression, and it is characterized by rejection sensitivity. He recommended MAOI's, but I didn't like the dietary restrictions, and I'm concerned about negative things I have read about these drugs.

I helped myself a little bit by writing all this.