I thought it would never end. The crazy T love. It consumed me and set me on fire and made me feel as if I would cease to exist if I didn't find a way to get closer to it. I couldn't get enough of it and I could not bear to be away from it. I needed it like nothing I have ever known. The intensity of it was like nothing I have ever experienced. It was a drug. I got my fix every week looking into his eyes and basking in his unconditional acceptance. It wasn't enough so I started getting my fix with emails and waiting for his response. Then that wasn't enough and I needed to hear his voice. I began calling him sometimes three times a week between sessions and emails. Then text messages. Then I had a recording of his voice to soothe me when I wasn't calling, being therapatized, emailing, or texting him. For the first time in my life I felt loved. I felt accepted. I felt, I KNEW, that this must surely end with the realization of all of my romantic fantasies. I had found my soulmate in my T.

It didn't end that way though. While I was losing myself in this fantasy relationship with T, something else was happening. It wasn't all sunshine and roses. The pain of being away from him was as intense as the joy of being with him, in his presence. The pain of knowing at some unconscious level, that I rarely wanted to acknowledge, that it would never happen, that I would never be with him the way I wanted to, made me feel like I wanted to die rather than be without it. The thought of losing him terrified me. The closer we became the more fearful I was. The more I understood that he did in fact really and truly love me, the more distrustful of him I became. I questioned him and his methods. He contained it. I tested him and pushed him and he contained me. I stood on the edge of reason daring to go over and he pulled me back in. He kept me emotionally held through it all and waited.

He did his job so well and loved me. Yet all the while he was waiting for his opportunity. I gave it to him in the form of a gift. It was a gift that came from my heart, and my artist, and expressed how much I love him. I was so anxious to give it to him, that I dropped it off at his office the day before our session. I arrived at my session and did something peculiar and out of character, that I had never done before. I gave him the check before we started. (deep down I knew what was coming) He asked me what I wanted to discuss and I told him and he said ok, but I need to address the gift. He said he couldn't accept it.

I was stunned, gut punched, and literally bowled over. I did it. Finally, after all this time I bumped into a boundary. It was more like I ran headlong into it after a year long sprint. The pain was indescribable. I couldn't speak. I wept, doubled over, and told him I would never take it back. He kept asking me to look at him and I couldn't. I was devastated. I got up and excused myself to the washroom and left. We had barely started the session and I didn't go back. I drove to a parking lot and sobbed in my car for over an hour before driving home not knowing if I could survive the night. He texted me that I could go back that he was still there and I said no. I lashed out instead and told him he was just afraid and myriad other projections. I told him via text that I was NEVER going back.
And I meant it.

I made it about twenty-four hours before I called him and told him we needed to talk. I sobbed and he listened and we scheduled a session. I went in and it was good. I went in again and it was better. And after this last one I have new eyes to look upon my life with. All it took was that one devastating blow to completely shatter the illusion and I am grateful.

I experienced my T relationship as I have experienced my other important relationship. I have never experienced love and acceptance so when it was happening I didn't really believe it. I couldn't see it. If I thought I saw it, I had to test it to make sure it was really there. I had to make sure I earned it by being a good patient. I had to ask for constant reassurance that he wasn't going to terminate me. I needed to be consumed with him so I could understand him and make him happy so he wouldn't leave me. The more he gave me the less I trusted him. In the end when I realized he wasn't going anywhere, I had to leave to quell the pain. I made my own exit his fault. I succumbed to my own fears, made them manifest, and blamed him. All of this has played put in my real life. All of this time he has been telling me that I am loved by the person I have so furiously tried to push away. It may be too late for that relationship but I see it. It's staggering to see and accept these things, but I am.

I know this is long but I really needed to get it out. I still love T but it is deeper and different and a little closer to what true love should be. I know my T loves me and it's so much better than the love I thought I wanted from him. I don't know. This **** is so damn difficult but it is worth it. Thanks all.