I just turned 17 this past August and I feel like my life is going to end. I've been depressed for about maybe five years, that was when I started noticing changes in my way of thinking. Five years ago, I stole my mothers alcohol. Of course I lied and when I got in trouble, I felt horrible. Like I was dirty and evil. From then on it was down hill for my behavior, not very serious but serious enough to get grounded: like going to our apartments club house when I wasn't supposed to, getting on her computer w/o permission, etc. Well one day I was tired of being a loser so I said to myself that I wasnt going to lie anymore. And from then on I tried really hard but from the it's been hell. Me and my mother don't have a real good relationship, and now everything I say she thinks it's a lie. She thinks that everything I do is passive aggressive and I'm always forgetting something which makes her think worse of me. Just recently, maybe in the past few years, my OCD has gotten a lot worse because I have to check the doors 8 times just so I don't get yelled at amongst other things. It makes me feel like a child. When I can't do something right. And my dyslexia has gotten pretty bad also. But lately my depressions gotten so bad to where I've started cutting. At first I was cutting I don't know maybe once or twice a week, but when I started feeling worse I used it as my everyday medicine. I would use anything i could find: knife, razor, broken glass. Anything i could salvage.My mom found out and it made her cry, which of course made me cry. She asked me to promise I would stop and to not make my skin look ugly, but since I would not lie, I didn't because I knew I would keep going back to the blade. When I'm at school I have no one anymore to share my feelings with, and I feel alone... Kinda like a loner....I used to be bullied incessantly by being called giraffe, tree branch, ugly. I used to think I was pretty, but there's no point. Just recently, I've been more of a slacker and I cut my hair really short cause I didnt feel like worrying over it. To myself I look like a tomboy, but to my mom, I'm a supermodel. I use music as my escape and without it I'd be nothing right now. The kids who sorta know me, ask me what's wrong and I tell them nothing because. I feel like I'm depressed for no reason. But I try to hide my depression from everyone by joking a lot. I sometimes joke at the wrong times which still makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I started seeing myself dead and feel like somethings been lifted off my shoulders because I know I don't have to go on.... But would anyone miss me? I don't know... And sometimes don't care. I have not been to a psychologist but if I told them that everyday all day I want to die, I would be committed, and I don't want that. I need some help but I feel like I'm over exaggerating.