Quote:
Originally Posted by autotelica
I was reading another thread where a number of posters insist there must be a link between the OP's childhood and her present state.
This frequently pops up on the board--specific events or patterns in a person's childhood being used to explain current tendencies. No matter how old that person is.
My therapist used to do this with me, where she would attempt to weave a narrative using whatever childhood incidences I shared with her as a base. And then she stopped. It seems that having a neurobiological diagnosis gums up the "you were raised wrong" hypothesis machine very quickly.
I'm not talking about abuse or trauma. I can see how big events can shape one's life. But then there's stuff that I consider so common that it's hard to see it being a good explanation for anything. Like having a father who wasn't very affectionate or talkative. Or being a latchkey kid. Or being born a month premature and being the smallest kid in kindergarten. Or being an only child. I have heard someone blame their problems with socializing on being an only child, and I just want to scream at them, "I grew up with three other siblings and I have problems socializing. What's my diagnosis, doctor?"
I guess my frustration is that this kind of thinking presumes the existence of an ideal childhood. That only IF my parents had done X, Y, or Z, then I'd be "normal". But when you have siblings that turned out okay, doesn't this render moot any grand conclusions about the past? Does blaming Mommy and Daddy really work when you're the only one in the family that got screwed up?
When your therapist plays up the importance of things that happened long ago, do you ever feel any resistance? How do you know when a life narrative makes sense or when it's maudlin, cliched dreck?
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Good question, and I don't know the answer. I say that my father was distant, that I wanted desperately for him to be closer, and that I now seek a secure attachment with male adult authority figures, that doesn't mean that I blame him. There is/was a reason as to why he was who he was. We are behavioral creatures an there is a reason for all behavior, no matter what. I think that it is likely that I was really sensitive (still am) and I know that this contributed to my issues. I was sensitive to receiving attention (which I did from my mother), and not receiving attention. This to me explains the set-up for who I am now. No blame on my parents, no blame on me, it is what it is. This is a simplification of my issues, and there are many other factors that I haven't gone into here.
There is the biological component and the behavioral component. Nature versus nurture. They all interplay. The parent's issues and personalities interplay. As much as we'd like to know that parents treat their children the same, that they don't prefer one over the other, it happens because parents are human. Attachment theory theorizes that if the parent is "good enough", then the child will most likelygrow up with a secure attachment pattern.
It is true, though, if you think about us as behavioral beings, that we are shaped by our cognitive schemas, how sensitive our emotional system is, how reactive our amygdala is (fight or flight), how we experienced/perceived our childhood, which leads to how we experience/perceive our present, and so on.
I feel like I left so much out, that I was unable to pull together an articulate and cohesive reply, but this is what I believe. I can say, yeah my childhood caused me to be _____________, and not lay blame but understand that my father also had a past and a biological make up that made him who he was. So, I don't think a neurobiological diagnosis leads to a "you were raised wrong" diagnosis, but it can lead to a logical belief that interactions in your childhood have led to some issues (and along with it healthy patterns of behavior) that you are experiencing now.
I can't answer the question for you, though. If your therapist tried to weave a story that you feel isn't yours, I think you should tell her that it doesn't fit. However, if you want to possibly contemplate what your therapist is saying about your past relating to your present, know that you can do so without blaming anyone, and without feeling like there is something wrong with you if you are the only sibling who is having difficulties. Everyone is different, and that is okay. Thanks for bringing up such an intriguing post
