Hi,

I am a 24-year-old guy and I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that even though I am attracted to other men, ever since I was a child part of my sexual attraction has come from imagining myself possessing the qualities of men that aroused me. Today, I realize that I am sexually attracted to my own body. I am ashamed of it, I don't know quite what to make of it, and I want to know how common it is and why it happens. I've tried to look up this phenomenon, and it seems to usually be associated with narcissism or self-obsession, which is not how I feel. I am not attracted to myself emotionally or mentally--just sexually. Putting it that way, though, is not enough to make me stop feeling bad about it or about talking about it. I worry that it will sound like I'm a freak, or worse--that I'm full of myself or I'm bragging, when really it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I am probably overthinking the entire subject, but people don't talk about it a lot, so it makes me feel weird.

I don't know if it's related to my body changing drastically from when I was younger. There aren't many similarities. I wasn't a very good-looking kid, and now I look a lot different. It's harder to recognize myself.

The first time I can remember feeling aroused was when I was maybe around 10 watching TV, and I saw a commercial that showcased a muscular shirtless man. I remember at first not knowing what I was seeing, because I had never seen someone like that, or a "stomach" that looked that way (abs), but then I thought, "That must be what men look like when they are strong. I want to look like that. I want to be strong so I can protect myself." Up until that point, I had always wanted to be physically fit (but never was) "for my own protection". Then, sexual feelings started to come up.

It wasn't until growing up and living on my own that I finally started working out as much as I wanted to, because I was afraid that I would get too aroused. Exercise always makes me feel that way. I didn't want anyone to find out about it or to see. That happened enough in gym class...

As I got older, I recognized myself less and less. I eventually started exercising in private, and as I became slightly more muscular, sometimes I would get a little horny looking at my body. I don't know what I thought about it, but it made me feel ashamed. Then again, back then so did any sexual thoughts about guys.

For almost as long as I can remember, except maybe early childhood, I've felt detached from my body. Even now, I don't have a good concept of what my body or face is doing at any given time, unless I look in a mirror, and then I'm often surprised. I can recognize myself in a mirror, but although it's gotten easier over the years, it's still hard to see it as being me.

I remember trying to avoid mirrors. Sometimes, I was embarrassed about the way I looked. Other times, I didn't want to face the fact that I could become aroused just by looking at myself. The confusing part is that I am not sure I would be attracted to my body if it was somebody else's. I'm not that attractive, but for some reason, there's something about having "safe and easy access" to the body parts I normally find arousing on other men that makes it easier to find arousal in my own, if that makes sense.

Over the past several years, I've accepted that I am gay, but now I think there might be more to it. I know I am attracted to other men, but I think I may also be attracted to my own body. I have a hard time understanding this, because I am not ordinarily a narcissistic person. Just thinking of myself, I don't feel like I'm all that amazing. Thinking of my body, I know I am not perfect. Anyone who knows me "in real life" would describe me as modest, and I don't feel like that's entirely a front on my part, but I find that the typically-sexualized parts of my own body are enough to make me feel aroused.

Sometimes, I masturbate in front of a mirror. I imagine myself being more muscular, and exaggerate my features in my mind to be more idealized, and it has a similar feeling to watching porn. In one way, it feels like I am looking at someone completely different. In another, I do feel some pride in my body. I am able to arouse myself just by the sight or imagining of the sexual aspects of myself, and this makes me feel ashamed because I know it's not "normal" and it connotes that I'm obsessed with myself or "in love with" myself and all sorts of other emotional or mental reactions to myself that I don't feel like I have. It feels just as wrong as being gay in general did when I was a kid.

I don't think that feeling this way is hurting anybody, but it is something that would be difficult to explain to anyone and would probably make them dislike me, but even if it is weird, is it really wrong? I can't find much information on the Internet about people feeling this way. Wikipedia's page on autosexuality is about nothing more than masturbation, and the results from Yahoo! answers and other sites are filled with, "You must be really full of yourself" or "eww, that's gross" responses. Maybe most others are just as ashamed as I am.