I took Ativan, went out and did some things, and I'm still angry about being manipulated, terminated, and deceived. I'm angry that my xT has the power to make others believe what he says, and I have none. I have no way of working through this, so **** IT! I am intensely back to self-hatred. I don't care about therapy, why do this only to have the same ending? I want to end up alone with no one who cares, I can do that goal. I've already started. I want to self-destruct to the point that being terminated, manipulated, deceived by xT no longer feels intense. I want to destroy the part of me that caused the termination, that caused someone I trusted to turn on me. I will never get over this, I know this now. It will be everpresent in my mind always. I am going to self-destruct until the obsessiveness turns in on me and focuses on doing the best job I can do to make sure that I hurt myself more than anyone else could ever do. I ****ing hate myself and I ****ing hate spending my time on someone who wishes I no longer exist. The best gift I gave to him was my absence, as this is what he wanted most. Okay, I take all the blame, everything was my fault. I failed to try, I came to session but did nothing at home, I was dependent on purpose and did nothing about it. I was needy on purpose and deserved to be invalidated. You were right, I chose to terminate, so it was mutual, although it is kind of strange how someone so dependent and needy would choose to terminate, seems to go against the facts. BUT okay, that's true because you say it is true. I wish you had shot me but you would have be freeing me from my pain, and I understand why you chose not to use that intervention. I admit to doing everything you believed I did,whatever that was, I admit to being everything who you thought I was, whoever that was, why counter? It doesn't matter. I no longer matter. I feel empty and like nobody. Inconsequential. You're right, it's all transference, nothing else, nothing you did. It's all me. I hope you forgive me for ever sticking up for myself and what I know to be true, how foolish of me to think any of that would matter, that anybody would believe me. I'm not getting better. You have won.