Okay, so I figured that this would be the most appropriate forum for this, since it regards a lack of emotion. But if this should go elsewhere, then I apologize.

So, yeah, I'm really confused with what I should be doing in my life right now. And sorry, this is gonna be a long post, so I don't expect many responses, save for those who actually like to read, haha.

Anyway, I've been rather 'apathetic' for about 5 years now, since I was 16. I've been pretty closed off emotionally to everyone, and I realized recently just how much it really is a problem. See, I've rejected every guy who's ever asked me out, ever. And before, it didn't seem like an actual problem, just that I wasn't interested in the person or in dating at the time. But I realized it would happen even when I was first interested in them, but as soon as they would show interest in me, I would immediately push them away.

I had a chance to have a private talk with my psychology professor to try and see if we could work some things out. I explained to her various childhood events (such as constantly moving, a messy divorce of the parents, moving across the country away from my crazy alcoholic mother, estrangement from friends, abandonment issues, etc.), and how I had a bout of depression from 13 to 16 years old. But at one point, I just started becoming happier, and the things didn't affect me or make me sad like they used to. Over time, I became more and more happy, until I realized that it was less happiness, and more apathy.

But I actually didn't think that any of my childhood really affected me any longer, because I can think back to those times and not feel anything from them. But as I discussed it with my professor, I would occasionally start to get teary-eyed or a little choked up, suggesting I'm really just compartmentalizing. And that's really what I always do, I guess. One of the main reasons I feel I need help is because if I start to feel emotion, like anger or sadness, it usually only last for about 20 seconds, and then I'm over it. The only other emotion is just happiness, which is easy to at least act out, when you're not feeling anything else.

She asked me what I'm afraid of in showing emotions, and I said I didn't know. I don't think I try to hide my emotions, it just happens automatically. I did say that early on, I never felt like I could really talk to anyone about anything personal, because no one would ever actually listen. I felt like I was in a world where no one cared, so I had no one to talk to.

What I failed to mention to her, because I forgot about it at the time, was my religious fall from grace. Back during my bout of depression, I would pray to God for a sign from him, anything to show that I wasn't alone, because I really did at the time. But because I never got any response, it made my depression even worse, and I felt even more alone.

And I think that might partially be why I'm afraid to show emotion now. During that depression, I would sometimes contemplate suicide, so I thought maybe my apathy was a sort of defense mechanism to keep me from actually doing anything. And whether consciously or subconsciously, maybe I'm not allowing myself to feel anything because of fear from becoming suicidal again?

My professor suggested talking to someone openly, and getting personal with them about my life. And I tried it out with a person, who I chose carefully, because I think my whole problem is a fear of intimacy due to abandonment issues.

But I'm so used to just making jokes about everything and never taking myself seriously. I'm pretty much known for being a comedian at my school, and I think it's as a way to compartmentalize any other emotions, to make jokes instead.

The only thing that really got me emotional recently was meeting my dream guy. And even though I've never been intimate with anyone before, I really fell hard for this guy, but various different events kept happening that caused much devastation for me. For one, he works for the school as a staff member, and we had become pretty friendly and talked nearly every day. But they ended up laying off ten staff members, and he was one of them. And I had heard that they weren't coming back at all, so I was terrified that I would never see him again, and I never got to say goodbye. I even cried, for longer than 20 seconds even. And I had trouble sleeping that night, waking up every two hours. And the same thing happened to me like when my cat of 11 years disappeared a few months ago. I would repeatedly dream that she would return home, but when I'd wake up and realize it wasn't real, I'd get sad (for a while). And that night, I repeatedly dreamt I would be talking to him, only to wake up and think about how I would never see him again. And I had felt like I had a friend that just died.

(On a side note, losing my cat was another thing that made me emotional for a while, but again, I think I got over that a little too quickly, and she was a huge part of my life, I had lived with her longer than I lived with my mother.)

However, he did end up returning, getting to stay for one more month. But I found out exactly a week later that he's actually engaged, which was just as devastating. And a week after that, that it's to a woman who works there, who always looks so unpleasant and unhappy. And I just don't understand why, and I think, if I were her, getting to be with him, I would be the happiest human on the planet.

And I know that most people will (and have) just say that it's not a big deal, it doesn't matter, because we were never together anyway. But it does matter. Whether he would have felt the same way or not, I still had feelings for him, very strong feelings. And it's not easy to just say, 'Hey, I no longer like you, even though you're everything I could ever want in my life.' But now it's been a week since I've last seen him, as I'm currently on break, and even though he's still on my mind a lot, now I don't really 'get sad' about the situation. I can feel something for about 5 seconds, but then it passes. So a part of me says I'm getting over it, but another part says that I'm just compartmentalizing like I apparently always do.

And I really don't know what to do right now. I'm going into my last quarter at college in a week, so I have three more months left before I graduate. And I don't know whether to continue like always, keep up this 'facade' of just being happy and joking with everyone, repressing any possible emotions. Or try to actually to show emotion, although that might put a damper on this last quarter, and I'd like to go out with a bang, so to say. But I also want to start feeling something again. Because I still really feel dead inside. And I want to feel alive.