Hi Everyone,
Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
I've just been really down.
For those of you following my rediculous experience of simply trying to find a day program to go to, the place I went to on wednesday also didn't work out. As with the one on monday, everyone there was developmentally disabled or just plain strange and I couldn't relate to them. I did like some of the staff though, which was nice.
I feel more and more like isolating everyday, and just giving up this stupid search. It shouldn't be this hard just to find the resources to get better! It's not just that. I had a hard time opening up to my t this past session. It was right after coming back from that day program and I just wanted to cry but not in front of her. I keep so much in it's scary.
There is this one program that's 40 minutes away that has a track specifically for young adults. I have a couple people looking into trying to find an actual person for me to talk to, as calling the intake line is useless! I called several times in the last couple weeks and didn't hear anthing. So there is that.
But more and more I'm beyond discouraged with the mental health system everywhere, not just in Chicago. I'm not gonna name names (you know who you are, and this probably applies to more people than I'm aware of) but I can thinkof at least two people on here who have been dealing with real crisis situations lately, and are getting/ have been pritty screwed by those claiming to "help." These so called treatment providers or hospitals don't seem to care the damage they're doing, and often seem to be making the situation worse. Just makes me question so much. I'm learning more on here about therapy and how things really work than I ever did studdying counseling in undergrad for the past four years. And that the textbook things to do, like suggesting that someone go to a hospital when in crisis, often don't pan out in the most positive way. It's beyond sad to me and makes me so angry!
Then I was searching old threads on here today cause I was bored and found something from someone in NY going through my exact situation awhile back in terms of trying to find a therapist with just medicade. She was getting nowhere. So guess it doesn't matter the state. Sorry for ranting.
I've been thinking about other stuff too. My family in MA wants me to come home for the holidays and at first I agreed. But over the past week or so I've been questioning whether or not it's worth it. The issues that I moved away to get away from are still very much there. I would be dependent on my family to drive me to where I needed to go, or at least to the next town to get paratransit, and otherwise I'd be stuck in the house. I don't feel exactly close to any of my friends from MA anymore as they all cut out of my life after the move so that's kind of gone. I wanted to go back to have a couple sessions with VMT T, but is that even worth it? i haven't been in a singing mood lately, and music therapy didn't even work out. Again I felt so overwhelmed by all my feelings that I just shut down and couldn't work with her. Not to mention that I think her lack of confidence in singing didn't help matters. So yeah that's done.
So yeah, thinking maybe I won't go back after all but don't know. It would be lonely at christmas just being here though. Last christmas I spent time with another so-called friend from OZ over break and it was pritty cool. But we haven't talked in forever. She recently tried to get back in touch but I couldn't possibly tell her what's going on with me. She doesn't believe in mental illness, thinks I should be off meds, and on and on. I don't want to deal with that.
So yeah, don't know what will happen this week. So weird, last week I was so scheduled. This week I don't have much to do at all. Yesterday I slept most of the day. Today I managed to change my bed, and go out to dinner with another resident but it was so tiring. Anyway, that's what's been up with me. Sorry it's long.