As I sit here tonight, my heart is completely broken, not for myself but for someone that meant the world to me. How does one find words to express what I did and caused to someone who gave all she had, loved me unconditionally, cared more than I ever deserved, and who I through my own doubts and fears, my insecurities and even jealousy caused too much hurt to mend. I was selfish and I thought if my own problems more than I thought of hers. I failed her as a friend, I failed myself because I could not understand or get that she was there and really cared.

I know that because of my abuse I struggled so hard with believing anyone can love me or care about me at all. I do not love myself so how can I love anyone else. Those within that were to be sure that no one ever got close or stayed pushed so hard and said many hurtful things that cut her down and punched to the core. But they were not the only ones for I was just a guilty as they were. I did not even realize what I was doing in all the pushing and pulling I alone did. But I really hurt someone and caused them to need to protect themselves and wore them down until there is nothing left.

Because I could not love myself, I could not see their love. I never knew love or care and I wanted it so bad that I smothered it out, and now it is gone. I deserve this and I will not make any excuses for how I was because I kept pushing it away afraid of it and knew it could never be for me, so I did this myself. She could not have loved me anymore than she did but I could not get that, I could never feel it because I blocked that part of myself out and never allowed it to reach me.

Because I blocked it out and never allowed it to get to me, I sabotaged the only real love that was there. So many little’s within thought of her as a mother, they wanted her to be their mother, but the truth is I wanted her to be my mother. But she could never be that. I wanted to be a real part of her family, somehow that would make it so that she would never leave me, but that was something that could never be. I was a real part of her family, I see that now but it is too late. I never knew what a family was and when it was right in front of my face I could not see it. Greed gets you nowhere. I was not thankful enough for what I had staring me right in the face.

She loved me un-conditionally, it was me that put the conditions on it. Even though I did not realize this until now I really did. I feared that when she helped someone else she was forgetting me, and I often was jealous of that. Jealousy is an awful thing that will destroy a relationship faster than anything. I did not realize it was jealousy until I had to face that I hurt her with words. I was abusive and just because that is all I have ever known, did not give me the right to be that way to her. Yes, those within that pushed so many times to make her go away were awful, but so was I. I did not mean to be but the truth is I was.

She gave and gave all she had but I failed to give back the same. I was selfish in always being stuck in myself, so afraid of life, that I could not even see that I was selfish. But I truly was. I was not there for her when she needed me to be the most; I failed her and our friendship greatly. It was always about me, so selfish, so immature. I wish I could have seen this before now but I did not. I did not think of her feelings not as much as mine. I did not see her hurting because I was too wrapped up in my own hurt to even notice most of the time. That is not a friend and it was so wrong.

In my mind I cared so much but I did not show it, not enough. I wanted to be more than I could be to her. I wanted her to make me better. I did not look at her as a t but I leaned way too much on her and was not there for her to lean on when she really needed someone. I failed her in so many ways that I did not even see. And now that I realize that it is too late. She was always there, always, but I did not see it. I did not think that she cared because she did not tell me when I thought she should. I feared that when she did not reach out to me she did not love me when the truth was she needed me to reach out to her and to be there for her. It was always all about me and not about her; I was so wrong.

When I got triggered I expected her to know and to come and give me a hug. She could not read my mind and she could not know that I was triggered. My fears kept me locked unable to reach out to her so that expectation that she would reach to me was there. But it was not her responsibility to know what I needed, and it was not her responsibility to make me feel better. I knew where she was and all I had to do was reach out and ask for a hug, it was always right there. But I was so afraid to believe her and that I meant anything to her, so instead I expected her to know. I was so wrong.

I was so afraid of anger but yet my anger always came out at her, whether someone within or myself. I was too blind too see it, too afraid to admit it, and too ashamed to look at it. But it was. It was not her fault what happened to me; it was not her responsibility to understand that. It was mine. Because I could not forgive myself for what I have done to myself I took it out on someone that was trying with all they had to help me and to show me real love for the first time. Because I was so afraid I fought the very thing I longed for, the very thing I never knew, and I pushed it away.

I am not feeling like a good person tonight. I do not deserve to be heard, or even supported. I did not see this about myself until I had to see it as she was turning away. She had every right to turn away. She took so much and I did not even see it. I will never deserve another chance for I destroyed our friendship. My selfishness and inability to see her hurt and her needs made such a hole that there is no repairing it. The constant push/pull that I did, I have no one to blame but myself.

My fear to talk to her caused so much, and I often expected her to know and to pull it out of me, but that was not her job, it was mine. Fear does something to you but that is no excuse to what I have done. Even though I did not realize what I was doing, I should have, somewhere I should have. I know she said it many times, I just did not get it. It was what I lived through my whole life, all I ever knew, but that is no excuse. For years now I have been shown love, understanding, care, and everything that I wanted so much, but somewhere I did not get it and I certainly did not give it back, not the way it was needed.

I cry because I know that I did this and I deserve to what has happened. I know in my heart that it was not done knowingly, but it was done none the less. I can never make up to her what I have done. Never. I feel so broken, lost and really terrified tonight. I need to let her go because I owe that to her. And even though it hurts so much it is not anything of the hurt that she is feeling, and I caused it. Not just the programmed parts within me but me. I want more than anything for her to be happy, even if that means without me in her life. That hurts to say that because I really do love her in the only way I know how to, but I did not show it and I hurt her.

I failed her as a friend, as a person, and as me. I never meant to but I did and I will not make any excuses for this. I really do care about her, and I do care how she feels. I wish she knew that I am really so sorry. I caused it all, I did. Those within are me, and I and only I am responsible. I cannot make this right because the hurt is too deep and it has hurt her more than anything. I expected too much, and I gave too little. I have not only hurt her but I have hurt myself and those within. I lost someone that really tried so hard to love me and care. She gave her all, it was me that could not see it or give it back. I tried but I failed. I did that. No one else. I did.

The saddest part is I really did not realize what I was doing, and even though she told me many, many times, I could not see it or hear it. I feel so broken and lost without her. I know that I can go on but it hurts. I never even felt one hug in the years I’ve known her because of my fear of touch. She tried to help me with that but I could not get it. Lilly always stepped in to get the hugs, and now I will never know what one feels like. She was safe, she was good, she was giving, never selfish, and she loved us un-conditionally; she was so much and I lost it all because of me. I hurt, but I know that my hurt is not nearly the hurt she is feeling. I failed her so badly. I did.

She did everything she could to help me, never wavering, never judging, never expecting anything just wanting me to get well. I was the one that expected too much and did not give anything back to her until I depleted her. I do not think I can ever be a real friend to anyone until I can be a friend to myself. I have allowed my past to break me yet again, to be selfish and uncaring, and to be blind to it all. I know that I cannot get things because my brain is wired so wrong, but the truth is that is no excuse for how I was and treated her. It was not all about me but it is too late now.

I will always love her, I will always pray for her, but the best thing I could do for her is let go. I don’t how to because I do not want her to leave. But what right do I have after what I have done to her? Yes, I caused this, I did, and I am so sorry. But it is too late. I can never make this right, it's too late. They will never see this, but I am so sorry and I wish I could somehow change this. But I know that I can't. But I really do love them with all I know of love. This is really hurts, but I deserve the hurt for the hurt I have caused my friend...................................................................................

dps