All that glitters is gold, glass glitters, therefore glass is gold. Not.

It's not lowering your expectations, it is discovering where your expectations come from and why they are your expectations (if you want those expectations or are just going-with-the-flow of how you were raised).

My therapist had me contemplate "disappointment" one week and, of course, I was immediately disappointed by my husband :-) He was supposed to unload the dishwasher/do the dishes but decided to go to the racetrack instead.

Okay, first off, he's a thoughtful guy, helpful, loves me; why was he doing this? His back hurt and doing the dishes would make it worse whereas going to the racetrack would distract him from the pain.

Why were the dishes so urgent? Couldn't he do them in the afternoon as well as in the morning, right after breakfast? Well, I didn't like that, I wanted. . . Oops! Who is responsible for what I want? If I want the dishes washed right away, what was stopping me from doing that and getting what I wanted?

But still. . .? How come he gets to run off and have fun (I can't go with him if I want?) and I'm "stuck" with the chores? Because my stepmother raised me that way is why. My stepmother is in this "supposed to" equation, not me and what I want for myself!

I love my husband. I do not want his back to hurt. I want him to feel good and be happy! So, logically it follows that I want him to go to the race track and I want to think about this some more. What else, what other of my expectations are not mine but trained into me by my stepmother and others along the way?

We cannot "expect" others to do. We can only expect ourselves. We are only in charge of our own wishes and behaviors toward getting those wishes. If I really and truly want a nice clean kitchen 5 minutes after I eat, then it follows that I really and truly enjoy cleaning the kitchen and should get at it! Otherwise I just really and truly like being waited on by others or really and truly am not into looking at my wishes and behaviors and where they arise from.

Are you doing X and "expecting" that means so-and-so will do Y for you? Doesn't work that way. Think about the phrase, "Here, let me help you!" What does that imply? That you need help; that I have decided you need help! That I have decided that you need my help! A bit condescending isn't it? Who is in charge of knowing when you need help? You are. You are in charge of saying, "Hey, could you give me some help here?" My husband never offers his help but is always willing to give it. I keep trying to learn that. That way I wouldn't get in the bad habit of "score keeping" and other demented relationship problems.

Expectation can be a slippery slope, kind of like worrying; worrying is wholly about the future and we cannot know the future. When I catch myself worrying, which is usually about negative expectations, I decide I might as well imagine positive outcomes as negative ones? It's all in my head anyway because nothing has happened yet, it is all in the future! I look to see what I have or can do to prepare for what I wish/want and then, I generally get what I "expect".

What I mean by expectation though often is just expecting others to do or say something without letting them know that is what I want/am expecting! It's expecting others to read my mind and know me so well that they know when I do "x" that they are supposed to do "x" or "y" in response. It is making the gift of Me a travesty, with strings attached. I do what I do because it is what I want to do and benefits me, plain and simple. I cannot plan and execute benefit to you because I am not you. You determine what is beneficial to you and execute getting that, not me.