I really like and agree with this sentence. It reminds me of something I journalled while T was away; I described myself as so desperate that I wasn't able to see what was in front of me. Desperate neediness doesn't create allow for the connection that others give us. My T has said that I need something specific from her, and like you I often ask for this in email (albeit not as directly or as much as you) but that I am missing what she does give me. Sometimes I've asked for reassurance that she cares, needing something specific, and completely missed all the evidence that she does care even if she doesn't choose to do or say what I decide I need to prove that to me at the time.

Please don't bring yourself down with negative self talk. It is okay to be where you are. I know you're in a bad place. I know you're caught in a cycle where you feel unable to stop yourself and know you're angry/upset with yourself for that and afraid of what T will say.

Take things a step at a time. Please distract yourself from all this. I find it the most helpful thing when I'm in a state of panic. Turn off your phone if you can, and go and watch something funny on TV. It always helps me. Make yourself sit through a show for half an hour or more. Even if you feel you can't, try it. That might break the loop you're in.

I would suggest you turn off the internet as well at least for the time being. Calm your mind down, numb it with some TV or even music, and break the cycle.

It will be okay. You're not a bad person you're very frightened and upset but these things can be worked with in therapy. For now just calm your mind down. You can do this. I've been in a bad state myself and even though TV is the last thing I wanted to do it has helped if I really make myself. Or go for a walk - DO something. Sitting in the garden helps me. Try to take care of yourself for now.