anyone would be really nuts to go this far....this open...to introduce the word "drunk".....and get all personal about it

but this is about adictions and the like yeah?...like an AA meeting.

weird how less is said here?

somethin' upset me ages ago...kept upsetting me...didn't even know I was upset..?!....not exactly, not really...but suspected it

...not until alcohol hit my lips was I certain...then I just knew I must have been upset about something?...and what?....not now I'm fine and that aint' easily forgotten...I'm pissed and I'm just a teenager!...but everything changed ...I was calm...chilled out...angelic!

so I never grew up without that nasty but glorious understanding that I had an escape...from anything, and even from alcohol abuse and therefore from everything. if I was upset about this and that and continued to be...and got pissed about it...?

...for long enough then I become upset all new kinda' about the drinking and thats an emotionally cryptic world that one!

so what to do?...hey?

just drink my way through that...bypass the reasoning of a "real" person.

not that I'm fake! I'm real enough ...I just live in some blurry unreal world.....a world that upsets me no matter what I do.

so even drinking does not work anymore....and I still do it

just a drunk....drinking to cope with drinking...or do I just seriously mis-understand myself?....

it's really testing me out this one...biggest battle of my life