I am already feeling alot better, and I am surprised. I have had more than a few reasons to be angry in my life, but I always, exclusively suppressed it. I thought it was a sin. Now I am reading about "complex cumulative trauma and grief". It really knows what I'm going through. The anger came out of nowhere, in the midst of my healing. I had never felt angry before, that's why I panicked. But you know what? About an hour went by, I made dinner for the kids, had a nice plate myself. I felt the feeling of anger. I felt angry for the abuse, the horrible things people did, I was angry at them. Then, the feeling left. It came and went. I did not know that was how anger worked. Even if you are angry, and feeling intense anger from trauma or grief, I am still in control of my actions and words. That is a very comforting piece of information I did not have before. I could only speculate what anger would do to me. That is why I never let myself feel it, even for a minute. I rebuked it. Blamed myself rather than to process it in a healthy way. What I just read said that anger is natural to feel after a traumatic event or events, and grief includes anger. It is ok to feel angry, and you have not sinned by feeling it. After I was angry, when it left, my heart and whole chest felt lighter. Like I just had a baby and the place where the baby was was suddenly no longer burdened with the weight I was once carrying. Anger came, I felt it. Anger left. I felt it. Sober. It could come again sometime. I can control my actions and I do control my actions. I am really going to be free this time. Not on crutches. Healed and whole. My soul is being restored. I am not afraid. Thanks for your words. No, I'm not in therapy. I don't trust doctors and medication lol. Maybe someday I will but I don't right now. But I am healing anyway.
__________________