There is a history of suicide in my family & I have always suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts. With my mom killing herself when I was a young teen I have been able to easily rid myself of those suicidal thoughts because I can still see the police man waking me up in the night when she killed herself. But now my depression has grown beyond anything I can manage and the suicidal thoughts are not so easily dismissed. I reached out for help and believe me it was difficult finding it because so many therapists and psychiatrists are booked out for a month. Waiting a month is difficult when on the "ledge". I even had one cancel my appointment that scheduled a month out having to start all over again finding someone. I did finally get with a therapist and psychiatrist.

I work 4 days a week no less than 12 hours and typically 14 hrs each day. My 3 days off I also spend on work at home for things unfinished. Combine that with just finalizing bankrupcty, two of my kids being typical teens lashing out at me (alot) and a completely out of control/messy home it put me on that "ledge". My doctor took me out of work for a bit which adds to my stress because I do have bills to pay but I know I need to focus on getting healthy which is why I am out. I am now on my 3rd med and hope this helps. The other two meds - I suffered extremely amplified depression/suicidal thoughts. I am also starting to go to church, reading more on what can help and seeking support groups like here.

To be honest as of today I still feel like nothing matters. I get no pleasure in anything, see no point or purpose in my life and lack any motivation to do things. I know I have kids/family but it still doesnt make me feel like I have a purpose. I am scared this will not end and that is why I am here reading from all of you and what others have been thru, that helps to see some light at end of the tunnel.

I am scared I will lose our home if things dont get better - I want to be able to get back to work but what if I continue to have these issues of depression and suicidal thoughts?