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~EnlightenMe~ · Sep 24, 2012, 07:47 PM

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He told me that it's okay that I look up to him but I look up to him too much, because I worry about our relationship, and his responses way too much. I was like ah omg stop talking. Bad question, I take it back. But NOO he kept going. He said I looked up to him because he was the positive role model I never had. (Okay that wasn't bad) BUT then he told me he can't always be there. That someday I will have to do it on my own without him in my life. At that point I totally shutdown.

Lost, what kind of therapist do you see? Obviously, abandonment is a trigger, and I guess your therapist is thinking he knows what he is doing by trying to get past your abandonment fears. I don't have the answers, but I know that triggering a patient's abandonment fears and then telling them that they have to stop hanging on their T's every word, works well for the therapist, and not so well for the patient. He has just set off your attachment system, and now he is going to set boundaries while you are in high gear. He is setting you up for failure. No wonder you shutdown. This is traumatizing, seriously. I don't know if there are many if any therapists out there who know how to handle this, but yours doesn't.

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He told me that he shouldn't have to watch what he says about this in order to keep me from shutting down every single time. And that he shouldnt have to worry about not answering a text about our relationship, and setting off a reaction. That I needed to accept that he wouldn't be doing his job if I was in therapy forever. It was over at that point...I didn't say a word. He said he couldn't believe I had just made the biggest switch EVER...from totally manic to not talking.

He said he couldn't believe I had just made the biggest switch ever. That's because he is clueless, sorry. He speaks about the part of you that is most vulnerable, as if you choose to idealize him, when really you are trying to trust him. It's a part of the process.
So, he said he shouldn't have to watch what he says about this in order to keep you from shutting down. I'm so proud of him for standing up for his rights to someone who is paying him to help. I'm so glad that he has freed himself from not saying things to you because of how it makes him feel. Maybe he could bring up bit by bit your fears, but this is ridiculous. You didn't deserve this.
So, can you accept that he isn't doing his job if you are in therapy forever? How about he isn't doing his job if he damages you? You shut down for a reason (dissociative) - for protection. How dare you dissociate in front of your therapist when he is bringing up a subject to make himself feel better. (excuse the sarcasm).
I am stunned that he couldn't believe that you made the biggest switch ever, he is in way over his head.

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He then told me that we had a lot of time still together. That he wouldn't change anything until I was stable. That we would first have to go from 2x session a week to 1x then to every other week. And if it didn't work then we would go back. BUT then he said eventually when I was stable I would have to stop seeing him. Then later he said if ever I needed him again I could always come back.

He is controlling your therapy, not you. I KNOW very well that my words won't reach you because you are so attached to your T. I understand this 100 percent because I went through it. Now that he has triggered your attachment system, and now has created a schedule of you going less often, this is going to make you more stressed. This bothers me, and concerns me like you wouldn't believe.

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I don't want to ever lose him. It would be like losing a parent. He's the only role model I have ever had. He's the only safe stable figure I have ever have. Why do I ever have to stop seeing him? Why can't I always see him every couple weeks?

I'm so upset. I didn't want to hear any of this today. Ah I hate myself for asking.

I hear you and I KNOW so well how you feel. It is more painful than losing a parent, unless it is done in a straightforward, empathic way. I'm not seeing that here. Don't hate yourself for asking, it sounds like your T had planned this anyway. I know that words won't change you clinging on for dear life, but know that this isn't your fault. People who don't have attachment issues have NO IDEA what it is like. NONE!

Since I know you want to stay with your therapist, I am going to ask you if you can do this. Can you also start interviewing other therapists (I would look for Ts well-versed in dissociation) while you are still seeing your T? It would be scary, but you would be watching out after you, which is something your therapist is not doing.

I fear you are going to be traumatized and devastated, but I truly hope not. I am here for you if you ever need me, just send a PM. I'll keep you in my thoughts