My session hurt but I think it was productive. First I told her I wasn't honest last week about NOT wanting to be the "most special" to her. I even said I thought I was, because we have a lot in common. Of course she didn't comment on that except to say I am "very special". She asked how I feel about my daughters, and that each is special in her own way. I said, I know, and the teacher with 30 students cares about each one in a different way. So, I felt bad though I knew that was the answer I'd get. I'm not more special than any of her other clients.

I told her that I go to therapy mostly to be with her, and that's the way it's been with all my Ts. I thought she'd think this was a huge confession, but she just said she knows that's how I feel!

I told her my "fantasy" about wanting to be friends or sisters and go to her house, and meet her family, and how I wish she could meet my family, and how much it hurts because that can't ever happen. How much it hurts when she said last week "it's not about ME". I said it hurts my stomach very deeply. She said she understands, that it's like a pit. I never use that term but at least she validated me. I told her how hard it is for me.

So, then I asked her who is it about if it's not her. Is it about my Mom? She said it's my Mom and Dad, it's early unmet needs, the same old story. I asked her (thanks, Blur) if she thought I did enough grieving for my mother. She said you grieve all of your life, so there really isn't an answer to that.

Then, somehow I got back to feeling bad because I wasn't the most special to her. So, she had me close my eyes and think of my parents loving me when I was a child, surrounding me with their love. She asked how I felt. I said I felt sad because they aren't here any more. I was still thinking about my T though, because I said "You're here but you're not either." No one is here. But, for a minute I realized how hard I was fighting it NOT being about my T. For a moment I "saw" my parents loving me, and I felt sad. I told T, "it felt like you weren't there and it was about them!" It wasn't about YOU! That's an insight! She said "yes" it is.

But it was so hard to go back there. I said my parents were "blurry" while adult me and T were clear, and there was a line separating my parents and little me, from my T and adult me.

Then we talked about how I thought my Mom was "old" when she died but she really wasn't, and how I was young, though I thought I was "old" then, and how my feelings now don't seem different from a younger person's. She said even 80 year olds have the same feelings!

The bottom line is that I had a glimpse of it being "not about her" and how much I still want it to be, and how hard it is for it to be about my parents instead. I told her it was hard to stay with the images from the past.

The session was bittersweet. Painful. Different but the same. It hurt when I had to leave but I didn't cry until I got into my car, as usual. It still hurts because I WANT it to be about my T. What I do know is how much she cares about me. That never changes. It's kind of hard, though.