I feel like a major idiot. I must be the biggest idiot known to man. I think that when a therapist brings up things that trigger the abandonment fear/attachment system, that they should have some kind of inkling as to what it does to the client. It makes me more clingy, it terrifies me like nothing I could ever explain. I feel like I need to apologize for this, so sorry that I'm such an inconvenience. So, therapist can trigger patients with this issue, and it's okay for them to walk away and let the patient stew in their own madness. Okay, I get it now. I guess it was all my fault for my termination, I was needy, dependent, I called too much, I according to my therapist didn't do the work, I was an all around clingy loser. I deserved what I got. I guess I'll change my mind - I should have been able to control myself but clearly chose not to. Why? Because I guess that's who I am, someone who choses to be a nuisance. I hate myself so ****ing much I just want to scream. But it wouldn't matter, because if I have a voice, no one is listening. I should be avoided at all costs. I am going to ****ing bed so I can get up and start this ******** borderline rollercoaster again. I'm upset at the termination, okay, but know that I know it was my ****ing fault. I ****ing know this. I Hate MY LIFE and all of its ups and downs. I'm going to bed and hope I don't wake up. WHat a relief that would be to me, but I don't deserve that.
I ****ing hate myself so ****ing much. I so badly just want to escape.