well guys heres another story to tell my problem. i feel as if i should tell you all this so you will know what im going through. apology in advance for such a long post.
Okay so last week i did alot of partying. I was in a mood that i just didn't care anymore so for the first time in my life i did some drugs. and i don't know if this is right but i liked it. i liked the way it made me feel afterward. it continued my i really don't give a f*** to the world. Im not going to do it all the time i don't even know if i will do it again. So anyways Wed we drank and got really messed up i stayed the night over at my guy friends house(the one with BP) and i also stayed Thurs night as well.
Thursday everyone was over at the house and they started talking about witchcraft stuff. it didn't bother me any. this is where everything starts to get fuzzy. my friend was going to do something that took the evil spirits out of the house and all i had to do was think positive thoughts. and i remember concentrating really hard not to let my mind wonder but think of good things. afterwards everyone was leaving to smoke and i was laying on the floor in fetal position. One of my friends asked me if i was coming and i told her i couldn't. I couldn't get up i was so cold and i was shaking. i just wanted to close my eyes and for it all to end. The next thing i know i am sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake(it was sooo good). Well they told me that they had to talk me out of the state of mind i was in i remember i started crying and i don't know why. then everyone left and it was me and my guy friend(well call him S)
so S and I sat in the living room to watch some TV i don't remember laying down, taking off my glasses or anything. I woke up the next morning on the couch very cold and feeling scared and that i needed to be with S.
Later on the morning he told me that he was up with me until 5 that morning that i was talking in my sleep not like just dreaming and talking but he said that it was like something was inside me that wouldn't leave me alone. He said i kept saying that 'im scared' and 'don't leave me' and that i cryed hysterically for like an hour and that i kept telling S not to leave me
These past couple of night when i go to sleep i can remember some of the things i was saying but not specific words just feeling. I think i talked as if something was going to that was real bad. I think what i was talking about was if i found out S had killed himself. i think that might be part of it because that is my biggest fear is finding S by himself I think i might have also talked as if i thought i was going to die because i have remember telling S to 'tell everyone i love them and sorry i wasn't good enough' and 'don't let people forget about me' stuff like that. I must have scared S really bad because he hasn't talked to me since that morning. I don't want to loose S as a friend he is very important to me and i think you all know that. But i want to talk to him about it i NEED to talk to him about it. I guess this is also bringing up emotions from when he first went into the hospital. He still doesn't know that i know he tried to kill himself while i was at his house. Is it time to tell him?? What should i tell him I think everything is starting to catch up with me emotionally. I don't want to loose him by telling him all this stuff but i don't know if i can go on like this. If anyone could give me any advice This was a scary/weird experience for me but i really don't know what to do. I am so scared. i just want to crawl into a hole and live their by myself. and not have to worry about my actions affecting anyone else
andrea

It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!