Tangerine, welcome aboard!

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Clearly, you are in great psychic pain. Otherwise you'd not be doing the SI thing. I wish I could erase your pain, or "cut" it out of your system. But the only way out of it is through it. I sincerely hope you find the courage to check out another therapist and if you feel ok with him/her open up your heart and talk through the pain that is bottled up inside. The release that will eventually follow is well worth your effort!
Sending you gentle hugs and a blessing for healing.
Take gentle care!
Love,
9874