I'm in so much pain, i don't know where to turn. I feel alone and lost. I'm crying right now. I was listening to the seasons of love song from rent and i don't know why but it made me cry. I don't cry easily either. Maybe listening to it made me think of how my life has been a waste. I have not accomplished anything and i'm on disability and basically i feel like i can't take care of myself financially, not on disability. I love my bf but we are not happy. I'm not well physically and i have severe depression. I never had children and i'm estranged from siblings my parents are deceased. I've been thinking about my mom and i get sad. The thoughts just come to me out of nowhere and its so painful. I had friends and a job and a car and i went out and did things and it wasn't the greatest life but it was so much better than it is now. I have nothing now and i withdrew from my friends out of shame. I pray for death to come early. My bf would be better off with someone else. I am sickly and always needing him to do things and we don't do anything and i know he feels overwhelmed because i only have him. He has a needy family so he feels pulled in every direction. If i had a life i wouldn't be needing him around so much. Even my living situation is horrible. I spoke about it on other posts. We have no savings and not alot of money coming in. We are not in a position to move now. I'm worried and i don't see any good in my future. I am really in so much mental pain it hurts to be awake. I try to watch tv to keep from thinking. Music sometimes just makes me sad, even happy songs makes me sad. Sorry to be such a downer but i have no where to turn and no one to talk to. My therapist is gone the next two weeks. She was off the week before too. She is always off and i am so dependent on that one hour each week with her. I know she has a life of her own and is not here on earth to be there for me but i am just so fragile and i just need help. I had to vent to someone. My bf is sick of hearing me, he tries to avoid me. Anyway thanks for letting me have a place to vent.

Anjel