******WARNING DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS ********
********DEALING W/ ABUSE, ALCOHOLISIM, RAPE******


My H and I have not gotten along for so long. I have posted here alot about what it/he has done to me. I am unsure what to do with the future. But the story seems very one sided and that is not fair. It's all my side. To be fair let me give you some back ground info on my H and this may help others to understand why I stay.

My H has had a difficult life. His dad drank heavily. His dad always put the bottle before his kids and family. His dad thought that keeping the bills paid was all it took to be a parent. He always told the kids "I'm to tired to play with you", "I got better things to do then throw a ball with you" or "I can't come to your ball game, while your playing I'm working". He always made the kids feel guilty. My H says all he can remember about his b-days as a kid was that his dad was out drinking and not there for their birthdays.

His dad used to beat them when he was drunk. He would beat them (him and his brothers) anyway just more severely when he was drunk. His dad would not just beat them but humiliate them as well. He would make them undress completely and make them lay down on the bed and he would hit them with a belt so hard they would bounce off the bed. Many years later his dad tried to commit suicide by turning on the truck and laying under the tail pipe while he was to drunk to care. He drank till he passed out then hoped to "go out" of this world. My H walked in on his dad after he passed out. You can only imagine what went through his mind.

As for his mom she was mentally unstable. She was admitted to a mental hospital multiple times. He remembers on one occasion he woke up in the middle of the night and his mom was standing over him with a knife looking down at him. For months he was afraid to sleep. He also had two little brothers, twins, to care for.

His home was destroyed by a flood. Everything he had was gone. He has no pictures or news paper clippings, nothing to identify with his past. He was homeless for a short time and had to go live with relatives.

His parents divorced and he and his brothers were separated. He lived w/ an alcoholic father who had a different girl every night of the week or a girl who wanted to try to be mom to a young teenage son. People were mean to him behind his dads back and good to him to his face. My H had to be obedient to these women or face the wrath of his dad. His little brothers ran away from home following a rail road track because they didn't know where they were. When they got to the nearest town they called there big brother (he was 15 his brothers were 11) He drove to pick his brothers up. He raised his little brothers from that point on. His dad supplied the house and the money. He gave the money to my H to raise himself and 2 eleven year olds and took the rest of the money each month to drink and run around. My H never knew it that would be enough money to do each month because he never knew if his dad was in jail, out of the state running around or just plain drunk living with some woman.

My H wants to do better. He has done better than his dad. But It is so hard to stay. I do not allow him to put his hands on the kids. But he is very harsh. He is very controlling. He is very demeaning. He tries and I really do feel like he is sincere w/ trying to be a good dad and H.

He is just so hard to deal with. I have developed PTSD from dealing with him. Plus dealing with a rape that occurred 20 years ago has caused some PTSD issues. I can't walk away from this man yet. He is making improvements. He is giving effort but my goodness is it hard to stay. The price I am having to pay with my own mental health, my health in general and the affect it has in the lives of my children. It is a very difficult call to make. PTSD, OCD, Depression and Bipolar disorder all run in his family and he suffers from them to. He will not see a P doc. Reasons to be told on another occasion. I just want people to know I have not lost my marbles. I don't like abuse. I'm not staying because I'm weak. I love this man.