Friday was a bad day for me. I was getting ready in the morning, and I just felt so overwhelmed and like I couldn't breathe. The thought of doing anything was almost too much. I was crying for no reason. I would just start and then stop after a little bit. Then I would start crying again. I had to completely shut down all my plans for that day. I ended up taking an Ativan to calm down, and I called my pdoc. I got an appointment that morning. My husband drove me there, and he actually had to be called in because I was falling asleep from the ativan. My pdoc said he wanted to stop the Geodon and start me on maybe Abilify.

I went to my normal appt scheduled for yesterday. I thought we were just going to talk about reducing the Geodon more and then adding the new med. I had realized over the weekend that my mania involves anger, not happiness. I was going to talk to him about this, since I've been experiencing a lot of anger lately and could possibly be manic. I go in, and am completely blindsided. My mother-in-law and father-in-law each called my pdoc (they are divorced) and discussed their concerns about me. They were worried about me, and how I was treating my kids. I have had problems before with getting so angry at my kids, yelling and screaming, spanking their butts. But I have been working so hard at controlling my anger towards them, especially because it is majorly affecting my 7-year-old. I've been mainly taking it out on my husband, who doesn't like it, but still takes it.

Based on how i was on Friday and their phone calls, my pdoc felt that I need to check in as an inpatient for a 3-5 day stay. The feeling I got from hearing that was about the same as the day my husband said he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's so life changing. I have work, school, the school parent club, an animal rescue group. I can't just drop everything for 5 days. I have an anatomy lab practical on Monday that I can't miss. I have my job to think about. I don't want to be away from my kids that long. But somehow, whatever he said convinced me that this would be a good thing. He said I am dysphoric manic, being angry instead of happy. Basically, I am manic while on my meds. And I need to do something about that. If I continue with treatment from home, it's going to take longer to reach the right mixure. And I really don't want to do that to my boys. My oldest is scared of me, and that's the worst thing I've ever had to write and see. My mother-in-law is scared to talk to me. I also have started having chest pains off and on since about Friday. My pdoc had wanted me to get an EKG, but thought it was for a minor thing that my husband didn't know what he was saying. And I never got around to getting it done.

So, at 5:30pm I'm headed to a hospital to do an inpatient evaluation. He said I might not have to stay, but I'm preparing for a stay. I'm hoping that this time it can be somewhat on my own terms if I'm going voluntarily. And I will be closer to home than last time. It's odd, my first time was for depression. This time, it's for mania. I'm just so worried about what's going to happen with everything else. And I'm so mad at them for going behind my back like this. Why couldn't they just talk to us first?