I'm not quite miserable yet... but it is looming. I am trying to stay in the stability that I have had since July. It was so amazing. I want to be healthy and strong and I have gone to a mostly raw foods diet. I am vegetarian now and when I can, I am eating raw vegan. I want to make that lifestyle change so that I can be healthy and strong. I want to work out, but getting to the gym has been so hard.

My mind is all over the place. When I was a kid I used to have a nightmare that I was on the porch of an old red house. I was there with an old couple and other children. The porch would begin to wobble and lean and we would all start to slide toward a hole that was gaping open to swallow us all up. As I went down the hole, I would look out, reaching for something or someone to hold on to and I would see the old couple sitting there on their rocking chairs, delighted to have caught more children. Then I would get the feeling that I had been there before and realize that every night I was getting caught in this abyss.

I don't know why I wrote that. I think maybe I am feeling a little bit like that lately.