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Triggers
Gaaah I'm feeling miserable. I have a terrible cold, and had an appointment with t today. I've been counting down to it since last Thursday. Well I get there and they say he's out for the week until Friday IF he comes back. He's sick and apparently it's serious if he might not come back.
T works at the local clinic, the only one I can afford. And he's the only one there that has experience with DID, which is the main focus of my treatment. None of the other doctors have any experience with a DID patient. They always get sent to him. So now I'm freaking out wondering what will happen if he doesn't come back.
On top of that I have PTSD from a car accident two years ago. And because of a very ill very close relative I've been in the car for 30 hours in the last 2 1/2 weeks on long car drives. Which has caused a lot of anxiety. On top of that my Grandmother (the ill relative) passed away last Sunday and I've been going in and out of dissociative states since. And on top of that we had to make another long trip to attend her funeral. And the viewing, I didn't plan to see her, I've made it a point not to look since I was a small child and saw my Grandfather (I was 5) but when you walked in the casket was made where you had to see, I went numb so I touched her, something I've never done. I just kept staring, numb, willing any feelings to surface but they didn't.
So anyways, went to the funeral, more problems then had to go to the family gathering after, where I was told my father (a huge negative influence from my childhood and the reason for my DID) would not be there. Well he was there. And that's when the dissociation kicked into over drive. I always have night mares but they have gotten much worse sense the funeral.
So with everything going on I've been holding on waiting for the appointment with t. Trying not to break before I go in. But now he wont be in for at least a week, if he comes back... I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm a mess right now, and only getting worse by the day...
Sorry for typing so much but I'm not in the best shape atm...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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