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However, in therapy, we have attempted to access that part of me that holds the pain, have me experience the pain, and while also keeping my normal adult mind present, have my adult self comfort and soothe the part of me that is in such pain. It has always been extremely hard for me to do this -- to hold both parts of my mind conscious, and attempt to reassure and comfort myself until the pain dissipates. Most often, the part of me that holds the pain takes center stage, and I begin sobbing uncontrollably, while the adult part of me (very remote by now) tries to offer comfort, but ends up feeling frustrated and exhausted, while the parts that hold pain continue to hurt and feel needy for rescue.
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This sounds like I wrote it, I totally get your pain. I think the problem with this is that therapists don't understand how much we need them to be there with us during these times, AND I think that therapists, since they are humans, can't do this for us for long periods of time, if at all. That part of us wants another adult, not us as an adult, it just doesn't work that way. The patient world and the therapist world have not come close to conquering this issue, in my opinion. I hope someone is trying to do so, but I"m not sure. Meanwhile, we are left not being whole, fearful of that part of us, and we are having to accept that no one can really help us with this. We have to accept that what is destroying us, wearing us thin, is also wearing our therapists thin. It isn't our fault, nor is it theirs.
So how do we live fragmented? I don't know, it sounds like a lot of us struggle from day to day just to make it through. I sometimes feel like I wasn't mean to live a care-free life.
I can't blame you for quitting, but do you have a plan B? Are your sui thoughts coming from you having to go through this in therapy or from the thought that you now have to go it alone?
Wishing you the absolute best!!! Keep posting.