Okay, so this whole depression stuff started around this time last year and it hasn't left me alone since. I was working at a restaurant last year as a bartender and it caused a lot of stress for me. I ended up quitting in December due to having a panic attack while I was working behind the bar and that was also the day a new manager took over the place. I was having an extremely terrible night because I was running out of everything that I needed to make and serve the drinks with and we had margarita things that needed to be refilled but I couldn't do it myself because the jugs I filled them up with we're too heavy for me to hold and I continually was trying to get someone else's attention to help me, but for whatever reason they would say yes and then end up forgetting or whatever. I mean I know it was a busy night and they had there own things to deal with, but I couldn't do anything for my situation until someone helped me. As if things couldn't possibly get any worse the new manager decides to give me the responsibility of taking to go orders and answering the phone. This was in no way possible because I still had to cut limes, refill most of everything, serve my customers, and make drinks for the servers and their customers. This was when I really lost it. I started to feel extremely angry and I almost impulsively threw a glass on the ground and I desperately wanted to cuss out one of my coworkers for telling me to hurry up with his drink. I luckily didn't act on my impulses, but I angrily got my purse and decided to go out to my car. By the time I got to my car, tears were streaming heavily down my face and I was having trouble breathing. I called my fiancé and told him to come pick me up and explain to my manager that I would not be working the rest of that night. I ended up quitting without telling anybody there and I didn't even call anyone till about 2 weeks later. I apologized and the manager said that it was okay and that he would still allow me to work there if I wanted to in the future. I did not ever want to work there or anywhere else for a while because I I felt like my mental state was not healthy enough to work and be under stress. Next week will be the first time that I will be working since then. I'm a little frightened by the idea because it is at another restaurant and I'm scared that I will eventually have another melt down there and end up quitting. Another bad thing that has happened in my life lately is that I got my license suspended for speeding over the limit a year before it got suspended. I've recently moved out with my fiancé onto an apartment and it was great when I had my car but then my dad took it back when I got my license suspended because my fiancé isn't on the insurance plan and he didn't want him driving it. My fiancé has car too, but its been at a dealership for a while so it can be fixed. Meanwhile, we have no car to go anywhere and I don't have anything to do but sit in the apartment doing the same things every single day and its driving me insane! Even though I've been feeling the same way for a year, I'm getting more hopeless because of my situation and I feel like who I used to be is deteriorating. I don't feel like doing much anymore because everything seems to suck. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I constantly feel extremely angry all the time. I've always had a problem with anger and what's worse is that I'm not able to control it and now I'm scared that I will lose my fiancé because I always take it out on him and his dog and I never feel my anger coming on and once I'm not angry anymore I don't remember a lot that I did and I feel exhausted and I'm wondering why my fiancé doesn't seem to want to be around me and doesn't want to talk to me. I hate this so much and it's only gotten worse. I know this isn't who I am, but it won't quit. Meanwhile, I've lost a lot of people in my life from this and I don't have that many friends because I lately don't desire to be near or around anybody because I see the as a liability and annoying. I've grown socially withdrawn and whenever I'm outside and someone says hi to me or tries to start a conversation with me, I only want to run back into the apartment and hide in my shell. I feel way too self conscious of my body and how I feel that I appear to people. Whenever I talk to someone I feel like my body looks stupid because of how I'm standing and I constantly stumble over my words and I never know what to say because I'm scared it will sound stupid or they will think I'm weird. I even feel this way around my friends. I just want to feel 'normal' again or at least how I used to be. Now I'm wondering if anything is worth my time. I try to distract myself, but it's like I don't want to stop because I enjoy it, especially the anger because I feel better and powerful. It's a great feeling, but I'm sick of hurting those I love and once I come down I feel stupid and childish. I feel like what I was when I was angry was someone completely different and evil. Will things ever get better? I've been waiting a whole year yet nothing has changed. It's only gotten worse.