I've been reading this thread, but I haven't responded because I sense a kinship with the emotions you're feeling and how you're reacting. I've felt some of that intensity and spiraling.

I just hope that when you are in a more stable place that you are able to come back to this thread, read it, and hopefully learn from it for the future. I cannot at all claim to understand how bipolar feels, but I know for me that I have finally come to a point where I know I can do things differently even if I'm not presently choosing to. It's taken a long time, and hopefully leads to being able to consistently make different choices.