rainbow, i think it is great you were so honest with your T and told her that therapy is primarily about the relationship for you. i think that was a big revelation. you also asked her about the grieving and she said it takes a lifetime. honestly, i think your T really dropped the ball with her responses to both of these subjects. yes, grieving the loss of a close loved one takes a lifetime but that is not really the sort of grief i think your situation is about. that is more a general sense of grief whereas i believe your grief is the acute kind that you most likely just haven't completed. that is not something that should take a lifetime because then a person would not be able to be functional. for example, i have an old friend who suddenly lost her husband last year. it was a real shock as he was middle aged and had no known health problems. 1 1/2 years later she is making progress and moving forward with her life as she has obviously been grieving and dealing with her sudden, huge loss. will she grieve his loss the rest of her life? of course, but if she spent years not being able to function and take care of their kids or do everyday things then no she probably would not have done much grieving. i think you have not done the acute grieving of your mom you need to and that is why in your relationships with your Ts and your husband are so disordered. jmo.

your T also seemed to think you saying your therapy is primarily about having a relationship with her--rather than healing--is nothing new to her and yet i don't recall you ever admitting that to her before so that is new. i think both of these things were kind of huge for you to discuss with T and action needs to be now taken, or at least to start work on an action plan, but it sounds like more same as usual. and now, you are back to obsessing about your T and her H. this is the cycle that luce mentioned you go through. you get a glimpse that therapy is not about your T, you say she has crushed your dreams, you experience extreme distress, then you just go back into denial and obsess about your fantasy with her. then it repeats and nothing really changes. maybe a question to ask yourself is how is individual T going to help you overcome this pattern? it obviously hasn't in over almost 20 years and numerous Ts. why do you now think this is going to be any different when the last 2 1/2 years has resulted in just more of the same? i do think the DBT may help you cope a bit better, but i don't see it ending your pattern with your Ts unless you address the root issue and make some significant changes. i fear that you will just continue to repeat these cycles on and on although i certainly hope i'm wrong about that. i wish you well rainbow, and since it seems like i am trying to get you to see something i don't think you want to see i will not continue to post to you as that is not helping either one of us, so i will say goodbye. good luck rainbow.