it doesn't even matter. what would i know.
my eyes are red and blood shot. as long as no one see's it doesn't matter.
i have to get out. tomorrow. just run until i can't.
so out of control with nothing to save me.

phone call with T tomorrow, but i can't be honest because she'll worry and i'm away so she can't do anything. but what do i say? i'm not going to do anything while i'm here i know that. but i almost jumped? things are falling so fast. i need to stop myself but how?

you all keep saying how much better i am. and yes things are better, a lot better. but you aren't inside my head. right now i am not coping. really not coping. it's been a while since i've felt this out of control. yes i've been depressed and unsafe but i've been fairly in control, i've coped okay. but now i am scaring myself. a lot.

for now i'll just medicate myself to sleep.

i know you were wanting support. i tried. but you kept shutting down all my suggestions. and then you were saying how horrible and fat you were and that no one would even want to look at you because you've gained x kgs from meds... do you know i gained 3 times that? so do you know how i feel when you say that? i still can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to throw up. it was almost like you wanted my approval to hurt yourself. you wanted me to reject you so you could say no one ever supports me. i didn't reject you. i kept trying to support you i put myself aside. and you still said it. you still said no one supports you ever. are you ****ing joking? i love you and i want to support you but every time you throw it back in my face. i can't do it anymore.